Set Back

back ache

Remember this episode?  Or the one where we bought and then the Captain made stilts for my invalid chair?  Well today has an eery feeling of déjà vu about it.  On the whole, I would say that I have been living on borrowed time.  What with all the lounging around, lack of exercise and general poorliness.  Tsk.

Having spent the morning in bed (bad), I got up, ran a bath, sorted out stuff to wear and then committed the most heinous of crimes.  I removed my glasses and placed them on my bedside table.  And that was it.  Pain exploded.  Breath forced from lungs.  Muscle spasms slammed sideways.  Oh goody.  A kaleidoscope of memory synapses firing all over my brain as my experience of the 6th February came flooding back to me.  The good news is that I appear to be able to learn from my previous experiences.  My previous policy of ignoring it and hoping for the best proved to be a bad one.  So this time, following the inevitable call to the chemo hotline, I dosed myself up on diazepam and diclofenac, put the vein heat pad to another use, dusted off the invalid chair, and dug out the exercise sheet.  Physio Extraodinaire is also on the case and her advice, as ever, is invaluable.  The Captain is in the shed constructing stilts for the new kitchen sofa.  Whatever would I do without these people?  Cry, even more, I think.

It is fair to say that I am more than a little pissed off by this latest twist in the tale.  Is it not enough that I have chemo to contend with?  Apparently not.  Yesterday was a bad day for me.  I was pretty miserable on the whole.  Having cracked the halfway barrier and moved onto the two thirds club instead of feeling elated, I have felt overwhelmed by what is still left to tackle.  Each cycle gets harder and the knowledge of what is coming drags me down.  I have still be reading through Psalms.  Lately I have found myself in a group of great praise Psalms which are, of course, well, great.  But they have not been hitting the spot for me.  Instead, I am finding much comfort in the unrelentingly miserable Psalm 88. Here’s a taste:

13 But I cry to you for help, Lord;
    in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, Lord, do you reject me
    and hide your face from me?

I love that this is included in the bible as it shows I am not alone.  Because there are times when this is how I feel.  It is a facedown flat on the floor moment before God.  Even in the psalmist’s despair it is God to whom he speaks.  I may not see God.  I may not feel him.  But I believe he is there.  And therein lies my hope.



12 thoughts on “Set Back

  1. Helen – I had a similar ‘let down’ when I hit half way. I thought I’d be elated but, like you, I was daunted by what was left to come. I did not feel the elation until the penultimate chemo cycle began. I also agree that all the side effects and other life stuff that rushes in whilst you are going through such a major and life-changing event seem somehow both rude and unfair! Your cited Psalm is great – what a fab place to see other’s howls of pain as they seek to live through and with life’s challenges. My own standby verse has been Isaiah 40:31 ‘but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint’. I just love the idea of being lifted up above the pain and distress. And, whilst I find waiting hard (I am terribly impatient) I have found that illness has helped me to accept that plodding is okay as a modus operandi sometimes. I do hope that you see some improvements in the next few days.
    Best wishes

    Liked by 1 person

  2. love you. Keep doing the exercise and using all those strategies with the drugs and the heat etc and they WILL work and you will be feeling much better soon, especially when the poisins begin to subside. Remember when you were a midwife and every woman hit the wall at sometime in her labout; for some it was during a long latent phase, for others when they had used every pain killer in the box and they were still only 5cm dilated; for others during transition….. I know it’s not the best analogy but it’s one I know you are familiar with. Will continue to pray for sleep, for less pain, good veins, good spirits and general loveliness. XXX

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Second chemo complete and feeling rather black at 6.00 this morning after being awake since 3 i listened to the morning prayer and had a bit of a cry..keeping the fight for those occasional highs.God bless x


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