The Circus

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Today I am angry.  I think I am allowed to be.

This summer, the Captain and I had plans.  For some years we had been looking forward to a time when could move onto our narrowboat and travel the canals for six months of the year.  We have been slowly moving towards that goal.  We sold our family home last year and moved into a much smaller, more easily manageable property.  We refitted our boat.  We adapted my jam making business to suit a more prolonged life aboard.  We adjusted our finances.  The Captain began to adapt work, initially taking a six month sabbatical with a view to retirement in April 2017.  We were good to go.

And then this happened.  And the whole Cancer Circus came to town.

On most days I am rational about this.  Sanguine even.  I am delighted that the Captain does not have to juggle work with his need to be with me and my need for him to be here.  But today I am not rational.  I am not sanguine.  I am not delighted either.  I am bloody angry that our plans have been trashed.  This has happened time and again.  And it is not fair.  Not even a little bit.

I know that our plans will keep.  I know that we should be able to continue with them next year.  I know that were it not for modern medicine, my chances of doing them for many years would be seriously in doubt.  But from now on, I will always have a sword of Damocles hanging over my head.  Once a cancer patient, always a cancer patient, as they say.  I can choose to ignore it.  I can choose to live with it.  I can choose to embrace it.  But it will always be there.

And I am angry about that too.

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6 thoughts on “The Circus

  1. Glad you .felt free to express this anger today Helen. I know it comes and goes but it is a real part of this whole situation….. Hugs xxx

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  2. You are allowed. It is perfectly fine to be angry. Why not? Believe me I was so cross, I had so much I wanted to do. I didn’t have time for all this cancer malarky. Looking back now I realise my feelings were as raw as if I had had a bereavement.
    The loss of something, someone. Everything changed. But….
    slowly very slowly, things began to feel ok again. Not the same. It will never be the same. A new ‘normal’ had begun.
    Much love and prayers.
    Lynne x

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  3. Totally agree with your anger my friend, justified anger I think is the right expression here.
    Be angry but do not let your anger consume you, as you will see your plans come to fruition, not only in jam jars either!
    Love you dearly, and I do wish you didn’t have to face the changed year ahead.
    Tomorrow will be a better day, but finding that New Normal will take time.
    Maybe a punch bag for further rehab?? Xxx

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  4. I am angry for you as well!
    It is unfair and I think many swear words would be highly appropriate!
    I have been very upset for you and can only imagine how I would be feeling if my previous lumps had been cancer.
    Be angry this week and then look forward to your holiday and some relaxation and fun. Xxxxxx😎😎😎

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  5. I agree, anger is very appropriate in the unfairness of all that has happened. I join the others in hoping for good times for you and your captain this summer.

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