I have hit that stage in my recovery when I am neither one thing nor the other. I am not ill enough to take to my bed, yet I do not have the concentration to focus on reading, let alone the stamina for much in the way of entertaining. I am not well enough for fun packed day trips, yet am yearning for a change from my four walls or the energy to manage an outing to the cinema for example. I am well enough to wake feeling I can take on the world and then half an hour into doing so, realise that I am actually still ill and cannot complete whatever portion of world taking on I have begun. I am not so ill I that I need waiting on hand and foot yet not well enough to manage to cook a meal. Yet.
I do have the occasional frisson of excitement/anxiety/chest-chrushing-breath-stealing-panic as I remember that I am still waiting for the yay or nay regarding chemo. That is not my idea of fun though. And it does not even help to pass the time. Instead, it leaves me high on adrenaline, dripping in sweat, while time has seemingly stood still. Nice.
I have managed to go out most days. But today, for example, I had 3 guests for about 30 minutes and then went with Mum to the supermarket for a few groceries. The shopping trip took no longer than an hour. That brief spell of entertaining and negotiating Morrison’s (*shudder*) has wiped me out. I am now fit only for resting. And it is dull. And I am bored with it.
Everything is healing as it should. My scars are looking more scar-like and less gaping wound-like. My shoubsicle has de-swelled almost completely and the bruising is now just a faint blush. The Captain is delighted with the scar arrangement on it as it looks like an anchor, he says. He has a warped imagination, I say. But I am pleased he approves. I am still tender in all manner of places but the stretching is helping with that. I have added to the I Must, I Must, I Must Improve My Bust Exercises and am now doing the full range of movements. I can nearly hold my arms vertical above my head. Certainly enough to surrender should the need arise.
But be all that as it may, it is still dull. And I am still bored. And I dislike that very much.