Funny how I cannot sleep? Must be something on my mind? Actually, it is not the something on my mind. Rather the something I need to get off my chest. Currently I am acutely aware that it has been forty seven days since my biopsy. Forty seven days since it was decided I had three different types of cancer. I have been holding onto the relative small size of the grade 3 invasive area. It had been a source of comfort to me. Tonight, in my imaginings, it has grown. It is now the size of a small country. Something in the region of Wales, I am thinking. I have visions of cancer cells, built like Welsh miners complete with hard hats and pick axes, stampeding all over my breast, hacking the healthy tissue to pieces, laying dynamite charges and then standing by while the blast takes over. I am aware this is not rational. But it has been a while since the totally irrational (yet very vocal) side of my brain made her presence felt.
And so, here I am, at two o’clock in the morning, sitting downstairs in the semi dark, thinking dark thoughts and trying to exorcise them from my head. Whatever has happened during the past forty seven days, I can do nothing about it. It is hard to put aside my worries. I have to hold onto the facts I know: I have no lymph node spread – this is very good; whatever is found on Monday, it has still been found early – this is also very good; I am in good hands – the NHS, my fabulous friends & family and God.
So to try to shut up Miss Vocal and Irrational, I am still reading Psalms. I think I shall be for a long time yet. So much feels applicable. I know it is not what the psalmist intended, but for me, the enemy is cancer. Those who oppose me are cancer. Those who gloat are cancer. You get my drift: all opposition is cancer. Yesterday I read the following:
22 Lord, you have seen this; do not be silent.
Do not be far from me, Lord.
23 Awake, and rise to my defense!
Contend for me, my God and Lord.
24 Vindicate me in your righteousness, Lord my God;
do not let them gloat over me.
25 Do not let them think, “Aha, just what we wanted!”
or say, “We have swallowed him up.”
26 May all who gloat over my distress
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who exalt themselves over me
be clothed with shame and disgrace.
27 May those who delight in my vindication
shout for joy and gladness;
may they always say, “The Lord be exalted,
who delights in the well-being of his servant.”
28 My tongue will proclaim your righteousness,
your praises all day long.