Tick … tick … tick …

1104-your-breasts-are-not-a-ticking-time-bomb_at

Funny how I cannot sleep?  Must be something on my mind?  Actually, it is not the something on my mind.  Rather the something I need to get off my chest.  Currently I am acutely aware that it has been forty seven days since my biopsy.  Forty seven days since it was decided I had three different types of cancer.  I have been holding onto the relative small size of the grade 3 invasive area.  It had been a source of comfort to me.  Tonight, in my imaginings, it has grown.  It is now the size of a small country.  Something in the region of Wales, I am thinking.  I have visions of cancer cells, built like Welsh miners complete with hard hats and pick axes, stampeding all over my breast, hacking the healthy tissue to pieces, laying dynamite charges and then standing by while the blast takes over.  I am aware this is not rational.  But it has been a while since the totally irrational (yet very vocal) side of my brain made her presence felt.

And so, here I am, at two o’clock in the morning, sitting downstairs in the semi dark, thinking dark thoughts and trying to exorcise them from my head.  Whatever has happened during the past forty seven days, I can do nothing about it.  It is hard to put aside my worries.  I have to hold onto the facts I know: I have no lymph node spread – this is very good; whatever is found on Monday, it has still been found early – this is also very good; I am in good hands – the NHS, my fabulous friends & family and God.

So to try to shut up Miss Vocal and Irrational, I am still reading Psalms.  I think I shall be for a long time yet.  So much feels applicable.  I know it is not what the psalmist intended, but for me, the enemy is cancer.  Those who oppose me are cancer.  Those who gloat are cancer. You get my drift: all opposition is cancer. Yesterday I read the following:

Psalm 35

22 Lord, you have seen this; do not be silent.

Do not be far from me, Lord.

23 Awake, and rise to my defense!

Contend for me, my God and Lord.

24 Vindicate me in your righteousness, Lord my God;

do not let them gloat over me.

25 Do not let them think, “Aha, just what we wanted!”

or say, “We have swallowed him up.”

26 May all who gloat over my distress

be put to shame and confusion;

may all who exalt themselves over me

be clothed with shame and disgrace.

27 May those who delight in my vindication

shout for joy and gladness;

may they always say, “The Lord be exalted,

who delights in the well-being of his servant.”

28 My tongue will proclaim your righteousness,

your praises all day long.

 

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4 thoughts on “Tick … tick … tick …

  1. There is certainly noone here who gloats Helen but only those who will share in the exultation at your good news when it comes. You are a testament to that – all these people gathered around you love you and their prayers are also there to give you strength along with the NHS and your family. Im not sure the doctors would be too chuffed having their skills compared to Welsh miners however. Might not want to mention this as you go into surgery!

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  2. Today in church Psalm 121 came to me as I prayed for you Helen. I saw you surrounded by beautiful hills with blessings pouring down on you – power, healing, mercy and comfort from the Holy Spirit. So I will be praying the promise and truth of this scripture for you tomorrow morning in the coming days. Xx
    Psalm 121
    I lift up my eyes to the hills.
    From where does my help come?
    2 My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth.
    3 He will not let your foot be moved;
    he who keeps you will not slumber.
    4 Behold, he who keeps Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.
    5 The Lord is your keeper;
    the Lord is your shade on your right hand.
    6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
    nor the moon by night.
    7 The Lord will keep you from all evil;
    he will keep your life.
    8 The Lord will keep
    your going out and your coming in
    from this time forth and forevermore.
    much love Sue xxxx

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  3. We have been studying Psalms for the past ten weeks in our church. I have always had a problem with the Psalmist(s) because there always seem to be enemies at the door all the time and really, in these days, we live with few enemies to endanger us. Our enemies generally have been described as things such as doubt, faithlessness, temptation, poverty, weakness, sin etc. This morning we were looking at Psalm 42,43 which is really a description of depression and the way out to hope in the Lord and know his love day by day. We discussed “the enemy” and concluded that sickness of body and mind is as much an enemy as the things that just attack our Spirit. You are right to think of cancer as your enemy. But do not concentrate on the enemy: concentrate on our loving God, His grace and that He overcame all for us. We enter Holy Week upholding you before his throne.

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