Tomorrow is clinic day. It is the day when the type of surgery will be decided. It is not all lop ’em off and chuck ’em out these days, you know. I have had a week to mull over my preferences. I did not know I even had preferences this time last week.
At last Monday’s clinic I was given a carrier bag full of information. You have to be keen on reading if you get cancer. Seriously. In this bag was a 98 page book on Understanding Breast Reconstruction. It is brilliant. Surprisingly, it makes no mention of different colours. My brother suggested I ask for one in red so I could call it Robin. And there is always the blue option. I could then join the RSPB.
Despite all the info I feel very ill-equipped to make such decisions. I do now at least understand the different options. I will obviously be asking (along with the fifteen other questions. I kid you not. I have a list) for their recommendation and will be wanting to go with the best choice for my long term health. If it is down to me, then my preference is having immediate reconstruction using fat from my tummy. I have a vast acreage to spare. It is a long old operation (8-10hours) so not to be undertaken lightly, but I have serious issues regarding implants (allergies, tendency to chronic infection) that will probably make them unsuitable.
It has to be said that there is a very loud voice inside my head screaming ‘GET THEM OFF ME! JUST CUT IT OUT! GET RID OF IT! GET RID OF THEM!’ So being rational can be a tad tricky.
Countering that voice is the knowledge that God is with me. And right now I do feel relatively peaceful. As in an all things considered kind of peaceful. It is not much but it is enough. Going back to Teresa d’Avila: ‘God never changes … God alone suffices.’